The Right Trim- A Guide to Fashionable Facial Hair for Men.

We met at our usual joint for our weekly catch-up.  I’d had a long day at the office and couldn’t wait to kick off my heels (figuratively speaking.  Taking your shoes off in a bar is not exactly the done thing...) and have a glass of red wine while chatting to my girls.

After arguing about who had the bitchiest boss (Dora.  Her boss is the Devil Incarnate), the best hairdresser (Daphne. Jackson is a magician with curling tongs), the biggest loser-of-a-boyfriend (Agnes.  But that’s another story), and the most useless house-help (yours truly), the conversation turned to the inevitable- men.

This wasn’t your usual, run-of-the-mill, all-the-good-men-are-married-or-gay discussion (true as that may be.  Sigh…).  Daphne had recently gotten engaged to her long-time boyfriend Amos, who seemed to be going through a crisis of sorts ever since he had popped the question.  You see, Amos is one of those… how can I put this delicately?-‘follically-blessed’ men. In other words, Amos is hairy. Very hairy.  A fact which proves to me more than ever that love truly is blind because, at the risk of sounding rather shallow, I don’t know how Daphne manages to see past all that hair to the man inside. 

Since they’ve begun planning their nuptials, Amos can’t seem to decide what he wants to do with the hair that grows in such abundance on his face (and in other places we won’t mention).  Luckily (or unluckily, as I see it) for him, if the barber messes up, it’s no big deal to shave it off and start again, seeing as the hair sprouts anew in a matter of days.

The problem, Daphne tells us, is that he keeps changing his look so dramatically and she doesn’t know how to tell him just how awful he looks without hurting his feelings and pushing him to break up with her.  (Daphne has already been engaged twice to two different men, both of whom broke it off.  One can understand her determination to cling to this one for dear life.  I once told her not to worry- if she ever felt Amos pulling away from her she could just grab him by the hair, he’s got enough of it after all.  This didn’t go down too well so I decide to bite my tongue this time.)

One minute Amos is clean-shaven, the next his beard is so long and bushy that one couldn’t be blamed for imagining a whole menagerie of birds setting up house in it.  Another time, his barber seemed to have gone all artistic, shaving everything off except a thin line that ran down Amos’ chin and along his jaw.  Don’t even get me started on the time Amos experimented with sideburns.  Can you spell ‘Fashion Disaster’?

By the time I got home that evening my mind was in turmoil.  Do guys actually have a clue as to what we ladies like or dislike when it comes to their facial hair?  Surely it is our duty as womankind to break it down for them?

At the behest of a male friend of mine, I have taken it upon myself to present to you, my follically challenged (read hairless) and follically-blessed (read hairy as your friendly mountain gorilla) brothers, the Dos and Don’ts of Facial Hair- from a girl’s perspective.  Here goes.

1. The Elvis Presley (circa 1977).  Sideburns.  Not the neat, smooth, rub-your-face-against-mine, sexy ones.  I’m talking about the ones that stick out the sides of your head and make you look like you’re about to take flight.  A big, BIG turn-off.  If I need my face to be tickled every time we hug, I will let you know.  Until then, kindly shave off those face-rugs.
2. The Michael-Jackson-in-Court Bum-fluff.  Sounds nasty, I know.  And it is.  This one goes out to you.  Yes, YOU.  You know who you are.  No matter how often you stare into the mirror, willing your chin to sprout just ONE blessed hair, nothing happens.  So what do you do?  You lovingly cultivate the slightest bit of hair that DOES make an appearance and try to pass it off as a beard.  Not cool, not sexy, not nice.  Stop it, please.  Thank you.
3. The ‘O’- ah, the favourite of many a Bad Boy.  Clean shaven apart from a perfectly-formed ‘O’ around the lips and chin.  VERY nice but only if, and I mean IF, maintained properly.  If you choose to go down this route, please get rid of those stray hairs that are longer than the rest and ruin the whole look.  I stress the importance of keeping it even.  We women notice such things and tend to get a bit obsessive about them.  Or maybe it’s just me.
4. The Goatee- an old favourite, but a sensitive one.  Please note that the name of this style is NOT an accident, nor does it favour all men who can sprout enough hair on their faces to have it done.  It you have the wrong shaped head/chin, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A GOAT.  So long as its neat, and you don’t keep stroking it (I cannot describe just how annoying, not to mention disgusting, it is when a guy keeps stoking his beard.  It’s not funny, and it’s not clever.  And NO, it does not make you look like an intellectual.  It makes you look like a man with too much hair on his face who can’t keep his hands off it.  Or like a goat which has miraculously developed chin-stroking abilities).
5. The Santa Claus- I’d like to state for the record that I have nothing against facial hair.  In fact, when maintained, it can add an air of sophistication to a man.  Yes, even the fully-fledged beard.  BUT.  Keep. It. Neat.  Trim it.  Don’t get bits of food caught in it and you never know, maybe I will answer your call next time.  Maybe.
6. The Designer Stubble- This is the science part, boys, so concentrate.  You have cultivated the beard, and the moustache, growing just enough for her to feel it when you oh-so-casually brush your cheek against hers.  This is all very nice, but don’t brush too hard.  Giving her stubble-rash is a sure-fire way of going home alone. 
7. The Straggly-I’m-Trying-Too-Hard Beard- I don’t need to say much about this one.  If the hair will not grow evenly, and you find yourself twisting that one little strand to the left of your top lip constantly, SHAVE IT OFF.  ALL OF IT.

Addendum:

1. Nasal hair- enough said.  There are special scissors available to deal with this problem.  If you are a victim, sort yourself out.
2. Ear hair- (see above.)
3. Follically- not a real word.  But do I care?  No I don’t.  You know what I meant.

My work here is done. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (Please note that names have NOT been changed to protect identities.  It is my duty as a responsible citizen to let my people know the reality of some shit.)