Untitled (or, my experience in a toxic work environment.)

I’ve been feeling guilty for the longest time that I haven’t posted on my blog for AGES: I even started questioning whether I could legitimately call it a blog anymore, considering how long it had been since I was inspired to write anything worth sharing.

But I woke up yesterday and came across an article detailing a toxic work environment and when I tell you I was TRIGGERED. I know that word is used so often these days, but some of the instances described in that article catapulted me back to a situation I found myself in, that I haven’t felt able to speak about publicly.

Until now.

I consider myself extremely blessed to have worked in different positions where I was able to pursue my passions and dedicate my talents, all the while working with incredible people and learning from the best in the business.

I was transferred from a job I loved, and thought I was performing well at (if my performance reviews were anything to go by, anyway). I didn’t understand why I was being moved at the time, although it eventually became clear to me (and was confirmed by those in the know) that I was being punished for someone else’s mistake. Despite some apprehension on my part, I accepted the transfer, and prepared to dedicate myself to my new role with my usual enthusiasm and hard work.

My role was not only new to me: it was new to the company. This came with pros and cons- I was essentially working with a clean slate and was helping set up the role, which was exciting. The downside is that some of the responsibilities were not clear. I’ll come back to that later.

I dived into my new role, ready to learn and ready to apply myself.

But about one month in, things started to go downhill.

I would be assigned tasks that were clearly not within the job description I had been given. As someone who is a stickler for detail (ok, I’m a perfectionist), this was hard to swallow because I KNOW that I can deliver. I live for it.

I would be belittled in meetings for not following up on issues that were either not in my docket, or completely out of my sphere of control. Please note, this wasn’t just during working hours- I remember getting calls or messages up to 10pm on occasion. I soon learned to switch off my phone between the hours of 8pm to 6am, or at least switching off my data, because it just became too much.

But I had no idea that things were about to get unbearable.

At the time, I didn’t know that I wasn’t the only one going through it. Unfortunately, due to some crazy stupid misunderstanding, I had fallen out with a colleague who was actually a friend. We worked together, but barely spoke anymore. This only worsened the atmosphere in the office, which was already tense. As colleagues, we were discouraged from talking to each other in the office, because this was seen as “gossiping”. Considering the fact that this used to be a lively, fun department, it was always a shock to walk in and find the place silent, everyone sat silently at their desks, murmuring “good morning” to each other as we walked in. Eventually I would hear stories about, and witness, colleagues being reduced to tears. I witnessed many people becoming shells of their former selves. It was devastating.

Two months in. At this point, I was seriously doubting my abilities to do this job. I would dread meetings, wondering if I was going to be blasted for something I had done, or not done. I dreaded watching my colleagues being humiliated in the same meetings. I would submit work as requested, only for it to be returned with no indication of what was wrong with it, just that it wasn’t satisfactory. I would be asked for reports, which would be submitted, only to be ignored. And then asked for AGAIN, days later. “Frustrating” doesn’t even cover it.

I remember one instance when I could not attend an event because my mother was scheduled for surgery that weekend. I had communicated officially that I would not be able to be part of the event, and why. I fulfilled the tasks assigned to me leading up to the event. I had been asked to MC at the event and explained that I would not be able to. I remember an email being sent to my supervisor, essentially requesting that I be “convinced” to do so. As if I was being deliberately stubborn, not that I wanted to be able to help look after my mother after her surgery.

The result? Silent treatment from my supervisor. “Non-team players” called out in emails and post-event meetings and Whatsapp groups. I must admit I initially laughed it off, because this wasn’t high school, for goodness sake.

It got to the point where I would look forward to meetings in other departments because the atmosphere in the office was just toxic. Anything to just get out of there.

One day, after a particularly disastrous meeting, I went back to my desk and drafted a resignation letter. I also messaged my colleague-friend and explained what was going on. The upside of that is we ironed out our issues and became even closer. When I tell you the WEIGHT lifted by that conversation! I wasn’t alone in this mess anymore and I had someone I could confide in, who could see exactly what was going on and was going through much of the same thing. This wasn’t all in my head.

I submitted my resignation and went home. The next day I was summoned to my supervisor’s office. I was asked why I resigned, was assured that issues would be resolved and that my resignation was not accepted.

I continued to work, hoping that things would get better. Silly me.

I began to get physically ill. At the time, I thought there was something else wrong with me.  I was not sleeping. Every morning before going to work, I would either have a running stomach, or would be violently sick. Every. Day. My skin was a mess. I barely had any appetite. I didn’t know at the time that I was going through major anxiety- it’s only relatively recently that I have been able to identify that whatever I was going through was manifesting physically.

I had started looking into other job opportunities, because I knew that something had to give. Every morning, I would tweet affirmations, which many people appreciated. And I’m glad that they did. What people didn’t know is that, initially, I was doing it for myself. I needed those affirmations and positive words. I needed someone to say those words TO ME. Because I had no other way of keeping one foot in front of the other. I literally felt myself breaking from the inside out.

Then I was knocked sideways by malaria. I remember working through it for a day. One morning I got up to get ready for work, and almost blacked out in the bathroom. Instead of thinking, shit, something is seriously wrong with me, all I could think was, “I can’t miss today’s meeting because I just do not want to deal with the backlash.”

But my body refused to cooperate. I messaged my supervisor and explained I could not make it to work. That was at around 7.30am. After that communication, I lay down and did not get up again until 3pm, when I forced myself up and went to the doctor. Who told me that I had a really bad case of malaria and if it had reached my brain it could have been fatal.

You know how messed up this is? Throughout the three days of injections twice daily (ugh, I hate needles), the fever dreams, the nausea, the sweats, that horrible malaria smell that was seeping out of my pores- much as I was glad I didn’t have to step into that office, I was in a constant panic every time my phone rang, or a work email came through. Wave of nausea upon wave of nausea.

I remember one particular dream. I was talking to my Dad. And he asked me, “Little One. What are you doing? This isn’t you.” It was one of the few dreams I’d had about my Dad when I didn’t wake up crying.

Once I was better and back at work, I had made up my mind. I had to leave. As the song goes, “I can’t come and kill myself”.

I finally resigned. No turning back.

And you know what happened? My skin cleared. My stomach settled. My appetite came back. My final month was blissful (by comparison. Ha). I worked, submitted everything I was asked to, even though some of the things were pointless because whoever was going to get the job after me was going to have to deal with things that were beyond my control. I had to draft plans for tasks that were going to be carried out when I was long gone. Some of my colleagues asked why I was bothering. I was just determined not to give any opportunity for my reputation to be trashed. Did the schnide comments stop? No. My supervisor even commented that I was glowing, now that I knew I was leaving.

That was true.

Please note, I didn’t take this decision lightly. And no, I haven’t put down everything that happened, because some of the things I witnessed are not for me to tell. And no, I do not recommend doing what I did, if you are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation. What I DO recommend, is the following:


1. Listen to your body: I should have done this from the beginning. Right from that weird feeling in my belly when I was moved. To when my skin started breaking out, to when I couldn’t hold anything in or down, to when malaria hammered me. I really think we don’t fully appreciate how much our mental and emotional state can affect us physically.

2. Find your happy place: I know I say this often and it may sound trivial. But it worked for me. I listened to music CONSTANTLY. Well, as often as possible, anyway. People teased me that I always had my earphones in and I’d be like “damn straight.” There was an external project I was working on with some friends which kept me going and gave me something to look forward to. And of course as much as possible, I tried to make my home a haven so once I left work, I could leave as much of the bullshit behind as possible. Apart from the calls and emails I’d get haha.

3. Talk to someone: I did speak to senior management about challenges I was having with the work atmosphere and so on. I guess there wasn’t much that could be done (shrugs). It didn’t help, but I did speak up. I’m also glad that I sorted out my issues with my friend: knowing that there was someone who could see what was happening really helped. My family was also aware of what was going on. If you are suffering in a toxic environment, please do not keep it to yourself. It is very easy to get into your own head and convince yourself that what is happening is either you being too sensitive or imagining things. Speaking of which...

4. Fight the gaslighting: “Don’t be so sensitive.” “That’s not what happened.” “You are just not open to change.” “If you can’t handle it, just leave.” NO. I don’t care what job it is, how much you are earning, whatever prestige comes along with the position, by the time you are dreading going to work every single day, despite putting in the hours and working your butt off, there is a problem. Do not ignore it. How on earth are you supposed to perform at your best in an atmosphere that is breaking you down bit by bit? Protect your mental health at all costs.

5. Explore your options: Those were different times, of course. The world wasn’t in the grip of a pandemic, with companies slashing salaries and laying people off. But take time to truly and honestly self-evaluate. What else can you do? What other skills do you possess? What can you do with the networks you have built?


Please understand, I’m not speaking in any kind of professional capacity. I am simply telling you what I went through in the hope that if you or anyone you know finds themselves in a similar situation, you know that you are not alone, and it is not the end of the world. I know many people deal with far worse than this, and this is in no way a sob story. I guess it’s just my way of reminding you that not all that glitters is gold, and you never truly know what a person is going through. I also hope that any employers reading this will learn a thing or two. If someone’s performance suddenly dips for no reason, or a previously successful team seems not to be performing, there are deeper questions that need to be asked. The fish rots from the head.

Is there a silver lining? Always! My health improved. My friendship is back on track. And I had no idea how many people wanted to work with me! I was terrified when I left: unemployment is scary! But I had to step out on faith: faith in myself and my capabilities and what I bring to the table. And once that door closed, many others opened.

Trust yourself. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Drink water, mind your business, and don’t let the bastards get you down.