Monday, 26 November 2012

Top 5 Signs She's About To Pressure You Into Marriage

So I came across this problem letter in the New Vision, from a guy whose girlfriend is pressuring him into marriage.  Something about her biological clock ticking (she's two years older than him) and preferring her eggs fertilized in the morning, not old and wrinkled by the time she's 30.  The poor guy is traumatized because much as he loves his chick, he'd much rather finish school first (he's in his final year) and probably sow an oat or two before settling down.

I think this chick is being very unfair.  Didn't she know what she was getting into when she started dating a younger guy?  Expecting him to put his life on hold just because she's reached a certain point in her life simply isn't fair.  I've taken it upon myself to warn the fellas, at the risk of betraying my fellow women, and give you some inside information to prevent you falling into the same trap as this hapless dude.  Presenting: Siima's Top 5 Signs She's About To Pressure You Into Marriage.

5) She suddenly becomes obsessed with jewellery.  Especially rings.  Don't be fooled- that ticklish thing she does with your ring finger is not an attempt to get you in the mood. It's not her latest bedroom trick- she's taking measurements! Sizing you up! Run, man, RUN!!

4) She keeps dragging you to her friends' weddings. Friends you don't know and couldn't care less about.  As if it's not bad enough that she's making you miss the football to attend a mind-numbingly dull ceremony, she yaps throughout the whole thing, saying stuff like 'If it was MY wedding I'd have done this, or had that artist perform, or had 10 bridesmaids instead of 11, or had a bubble machine instead of a smoke machine...'. That chick has designs on you.

3) She keeps asking who your best friend is.  And not in a 'who-is-your-oldest-friend-from-school' kind of way.  Oh no.  She couldn't care less that your boy Mose chewed vhems on your behalf in S2 when you guys were caught jumping over the fence in shule. She wants to know who you would have as your best man and groomsmen.  Watch out.

2) Her iPod playlist suddenly changes.  Whereas before she was listening to empowering songs like Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson or I'm Every Woman by Chaka Khan, all of a sudden it's mushy stuff playing every time you sit in her car.  'Let's Get Married' by Jagged Edge.  'Forever' by P Square.  All that wedding stuff. And instead of looking where she's going as she drives, she sings along and looks at you meaningfully. Ever thought of jumping out of a moving car? I wouldn't advise it, but if needs must... Do the necessary.

1) She starts making baby noises.  And no, that's not a euphemism for her bedroom soundtrack.  I mean every time she sees a baby, even an ugly one (yes,they do exist) she makes those annoying coochie-coo noises.  She goes on and on about her friends' babies, and how adorable they are, and she asks you questions like 'would you still love me if I took months to lose the baby weight?'. Gwe, make like Usain and FLEE. THE. SCENE.

Unless of course you DO want to put a ring on it and be stuck with her for the rest of your life.  If so, disregard everything I've said.  Just know you're on your own, dude.


  1. hahahahaa i really like ur addition of lugaflow...Siima spice. Wicked, i love it!

  2. Siima, I don't know what I was doing not checking out your blog, I have read 2 articles now and am just laughing out loud like a silly gal! This article right here is the shit! I love it! lol!