Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering which Ugandan personalities could possibly endorse worldwide brands? But I don't think that's a fair way of looking at it. I prefer to look at the lack of products suited to Ugandan brand ambassadors. So I decided to come up with some suggestions of my own, in the hope that some corporate giants will take them on and help us outline UG a bit more clearly on the world map.
Presenting: Siima's Top 5 Ugandan Personalities Who Should Be Brand Ambassadors and The Products They Should Endorse.
5) Bad Black a.k.a Shanita Namuyimbwa- she made headlines when some white dude gave her lots of money for letting him hit it from the back and all manner of freaky stuff. Of course now she is in jail, her breast implants are rotting and she has turned to God, but if Bad Black were a free woman with healthy breasts and a less religious disposition, I think she'd be a perfect brand ambassador for the sex industry internship program. Because there is one, you know. Bad Black herself was an intern, she said so during her testimony. Think of it as a revenue stream for the country! 'Think your ho's need styling up? Hookers not freaky enough for ya? The Shanita Sex Industry Internship Program is exactly what you need!' Bla bla bla. You get the picture.
4)Kawooya- a standard feature at concerts and football matches, this big-bellied man is instantly recognisable and commands alot of respect. And probably eats small children for breakfast, but I digress. It's not entirely clear however how he manages to cart his considerable frame from point A to point B. What better way to sell your vehicle than to have this man as your brand ambassador? Especially if your vehicle is, let's say, a Vitz? Think of the tag lines- 'Vitz- fitting big things in small spaces!' 'Vitz- defying the laws of physics since 1998!' I think it works...
3) Vampino- this dude is known for various hit songs with a plethora of Ugandan artists. He's usually the guy yelling in the background, in case you were wondering. Now, I'm sure we have all had that selectively deaf house-help, who suddenly develops hearing problems when you are calling them from the other side of the house. What better way to call your house help than with a megaphone? And since he spends most of his time yelling anyway, Vampino would be an ideal brand ambassador. Listen to 'Kwekunyakunya' and you'll see what I mean. All you hear out of him is 'LOUDER!!!' 'ALL THE LADIES!' 'JULIANA!' 'AHAAAAAAAA!!!!'. All I'm saying is, one studio session with this dude and you might end up as hard-of-hearing as the selectively deaf house-help.
2)Lil Beezo- she's known for presenting on a certain radio station and on TV. I presume she presents in English but the jury is still out on that one. However, if someone was able to invent an American Accent Simulator, who better to endorse the product than our very own Beezo? You wouldn't even have to leave the country to acquire what is meant to pass as an accent from outside countries! (Beezo herself says she has never left UG. Why she says that in almost every interview baffles me.) Think of the advert! 'Tired of sounding like an ordinary Ugandan? Would you rather sound like you're chewing and talking at the same time? Want to make people's ears bleed? We have the solution!' Problem is, if Beezo voices the advert it might be hard to understand what the hell is going on. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
And the top spot goes to.... <insert drum roll here>
1)Kizza Besigye- it goes without saying that brand ambassadors need to use or at least have an experience of the products they are endorsing. Imagine the scenario- you are a president/dictator/both. Your pesky citizens may decide to act up and start demanding human rights, democracy and such nonsense. You need... Crowd Control Products!! Riot Police!! Batons!! Tear Gas!! Pink Water!! 'Need to curb a riot? Do opposition leaders keep walking to work? Do you need to stuff a ballot box in peace? We have just what you need!' And then get Besigye to endorse the stuff. You wouldn't even need a script for the ad. Just get him to stand there, holding a tear gas canister. Caption: 'Trust me. This shit works.'