The Voodoo Boss Chronicles: The New Guy

The office has been abuzz with talk of the new marketing manager, who apparently is a very handsome guy and always a hit with the ladies.  The boss had briefed us about him and he was coming in today to get a feel of the place.

Personally, I wasn’t as excited as some of the girls in the office, but I was curious to see how the boss would react.  She has a thing for fresh male fish (she’s already pounced on and made light work of two management trainees, poor things), and loves it when there’s a new guy to chase in the office.  I think she puts something in their coffee or hypnotizes them or something.  But that’s another story.

So Paul (the new guy) started work.  He was very polite and everyone liked him.  He could be smooth and charming with the ladies (without being creepy about it), and jovial and manly with the men.  The boss was smitten, and with a few mean looks and bitchy comments, made it very clear to the rest of the women that he was off-limits.

What made this scenario all the more interesting (for me anyway), was that Paul took absolutely no notice.  The boss tried everything- her skirts became shorter (I hadn’t thought it was possible, but we’re dealing with a voodoo master here, so anything can happen).  She started being nicer to everyone, not just those of us who knew her dirty little conference room secret, although she would forget sometimes and be her true demon-like self.  Any opportunity she got she would lean against Paul, straighten his tie, brush imaginary dust off his shoulder, adjust her bust under his nose.   I’m surprised she didn’t just go for it and grab the poor man’s crotch.  Nothing was working.

Things came to a head yesterday.  The boss was working from my office because there was some renovation work going on in hers.  Paul was in there with her.  I was minding my own business at the photocopier outside my office door, but was keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any interesting developments.  The boss had been staring longingly at Paul all afternoon, until I think she just couldn’t take it anymore.

‘’Paul, why don’t you want me?’’ she asked.  She always cuts to the chase.  I think it’s the Lucifer element.

Meanwhile Paul, the poor guy, was looking traumatised.

‘’I’ve tried everything to make you like me.  Why are you holding back?’’ she lowered her voice.

  ‘’No one has to know…’’

‘’Uhm, well, the fact is…’’ he started.  Of course, she interrupted.

‘’The fact is what?  Are you married?’’

‘’No.’’

‘’Engaged?’’

‘’No, I…’’

‘’Co-habiting? Celibate?  Impotent? Well, what is it?!’’

There was an awkward silence.  Then Paul spoke.

‘’I’m gay.’’

Well, that did it.  I was so taken up in my eavesdropping that I hadn’t even realized I had been photocopying a blank piece of paper for the last 5 minutes.

The boss came flying out of my office and almost knocked me over.

‘’Get in there and finish that report with Paul.  I’m going home early.’’

I picked up my papers and went into the office.  Paul was looking very calm, considering what he had just been through.  I decided not to pretend I hadn’t heard anything.

‘’Look Paul, if it’s any consolation, I have no problem with your sexuality whatsoever and…’’

I stopped when I realized he was laughing hysterically.

‘’Did I say something funny?’’

‘’No, no, it’s just…’’, he was laughing so hard he could barely speak.  He wiped tears from his eyes and continued.  ‘’I’m not gay.  I only said that to get her off my case.  There was no way I was going to have sex with that woman.  She’d probably bite my bits off!’’

I decided then and there that I was going to enjoy working with this guy.  Watch this space…