Tuesday, 4 March 2014

How About An Anti-Nonsense Bill, Hmm?

The news has been rife with outrage over the recently signed Anti Pornography Bill.

I have to admit I added my voice to the online cacophony, because I feel there are so many more pressing issues when it comes to Uganda that our MPs are pointedly ignoring.

If I had my way, here are a few things I would deem illegal.

1.       Bad body odour: I’m sorry but there is absolutely no excuse for walking into the office at 7am smelling like the wrong end of a goat.  Or like something died in your mouth months ago.  It is unacceptable.  In this day and age where there is a soap, deodorant and toothpaste for every budget, what excuse do you have?  People who walk around polluting the air should be taken to Constitutional Square and publically flogged.  And THEN be made to pay a fine.

2.       Rude receptionists: so let me understand this- you work as the face of the company, the first person clients and visitors see when they walk in, yet you look like you’re sucking on a lemon.  You have zero telephone etiquette, you are too absorbed in Facebook to notice that there are six people trying to get your attention, and you never even bother to check whether the boss actually IS in before telling all and sundry that he is out.  Ban rude receptionists, I say.

3.       Stupid politicians: You know the type.  They can barely speak English but insist on using words waaaaaay bigger than their tiny minds can fathom.  In this technologically advanced age, their sound bytes are immortalized on YouTube for the world to watch over and over again, while those of us with Ugandan citizenship cringe and wonder how such a person got in to office.  Get. Rid. Of. Them.

4.       Ice cream vendors playing ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ at any time other than Christmas: One of my pet peeves.  The tunes played by those bicycle ice cream vendors are annoying enough.  But must my ears be assailed by such a song when they decide to pass through my neighbourhood? Isn’t there some kind of body or committee that monitors these guys?  Can’t we get some of the stupid politicians mentioned above to do it?

5.       Men wearing tight jeans: I’ve been made to understand that the banning of mini-skirts or any clothing that accentuates certain parts of a woman’s body will help prevent rape *insert raucous laughter here*.  The less said about that the better, because I might start using unprintable language.  It’s all good trying to protect women from being raped.  Or protecting men from being turned on to the point of committing sexual assault (because the poor things can’t HELP themselves).  But what about my rights as a woman?  What if the sight of a man’s bare chest sends me into a frenzy?  Or that not-so-subtle bulge in his skinny jeans? Ban the damn things, I say.  (Incidentally, I don’t find men in skinny jeans remotely attractive, but you get my point).

Luckily for all the people mentioned above, I have no interest in entering politics anytime soon.  But if this stupidity continues, I just might…


  1. Ha ha ha wrong end of a goat indeed. Love it nyabs!! I might just have to campaign for you as our next MP tee hee he he

  2. Why does our elite class insist on judging people's competence based solely on their ability to pronounce words in English? You have great literary style, perhaps because you spent a considerable amount of time in England, and attended mostly international schools, but why would you make conclusions about an individual's intellect based only on their proficiency in a foreign language, when just a couple of posts ago, you rambled about foreigners not being able to pronounce a few simple words that are your name? Granted, your blog is really just humour, but this is a widely held view, unfortunately. Be a part of progress, use your platform and literary savoir faire to change the afro-pessimist narrative propagated by our own ''enlightened''.

    1. She didn't judge anyone's competence (She should have). Their (politicians) insistence on using words that they can't fathom is already an indicator of their stupidity, yes, their competence may not, and i repeat, may not be directly proportional to one's ability in pronouncing English words, but if they fail to understand their weaknesses, then how will they be able to point out society's problems and even find reasonable solutions.
      Plus, if they've reached that point of being politicians, most of whom are already leaders in our government, then they must have creditable credentials --((unless they've been initiated into the leadership mainstream by their already established STUPID politician-relatives [stupid because they are obviously corrupt or nepotistic or tribalistic]))-- and if they cannot even pronounce the basic English words with ''their credentials'',then STUPID might be an understatement or ''their credentials are questionable''

  3. Now for my comment:
    I haven't come across any prominent of bad-odor bearers, i guess am lucky to have wonderful workmates.
    I've met my share of rude receptionists
    About the politicians, i think i've expressed enough hate towards them already-refer to the above comment.
    For the ice cream dude, i would pick them in place of the above mentioned humans
    For tight jeans, you discarded any liking to tight-jean-wearing men, what about bear-chested ones???!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Siima for President!
    That will be all!!!