The news has been rife with outrage over the recently signed Anti Pornography Bill.
I have to admit I added my voice to the online cacophony, because I feel there are so many more pressing issues when it comes to Uganda that our MPs are pointedly ignoring.
If I had my way, here are a few things I would deem illegal.
1. Bad body odour: I’m sorry but there is absolutely no excuse for walking into the office at 7am smelling like the wrong end of a goat. Or like something died in your mouth months ago. It is unacceptable. In this day and age where there is a soap, deodorant and toothpaste for every budget, what excuse do you have? People who walk around polluting the air should be taken to Constitutional Square and publically flogged. And THEN be made to pay a fine.
2. Rude receptionists: so let me understand this- you work as the face of the company, the first person clients and visitors see when they walk in, yet you look like you’re sucking on a lemon. You have zero telephone etiquette, you are too absorbed in Facebook to notice that there are six people trying to get your attention, and you never even bother to check whether the boss actually IS in before telling all and sundry that he is out. Ban rude receptionists, I say.
3. Stupid politicians: You know the type. They can barely speak English but insist on using words waaaaaay bigger than their tiny minds can fathom. In this technologically advanced age, their sound bytes are immortalized on YouTube for the world to watch over and over again, while those of us with Ugandan citizenship cringe and wonder how such a person got in to office. Get. Rid. Of. Them.
4. Ice cream vendors playing ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ at any time other than Christmas: One of my pet peeves. The tunes played by those bicycle ice cream vendors are annoying enough. But must my ears be assailed by such a song when they decide to pass through my neighbourhood? Isn’t there some kind of body or committee that monitors these guys? Can’t we get some of the stupid politicians mentioned above to do it?
5. Men wearing tight jeans: I’ve been made to understand that the banning of mini-skirts or any clothing that accentuates certain parts of a woman’s body will help prevent rape *insert raucous laughter here*. The less said about that the better, because I might start using unprintable language. It’s all good trying to protect women from being raped. Or protecting men from being turned on to the point of committing sexual assault (because the poor things can’t HELP themselves). But what about my rights as a woman? What if the sight of a man’s bare chest sends me into a frenzy? Or that not-so-subtle bulge in his skinny jeans? Ban the damn things, I say. (Incidentally, I don’t find men in skinny jeans remotely attractive, but you get my point).
Luckily for all the people mentioned above, I have no interest in entering politics anytime soon. But if this stupidity continues, I just might…