The Wedding vs The Marriage- A Battle Waged in Family-Meeting Hell.

My aunt has been on my case recently. She says I need to hurry up because, and I quote, ‘’we want A Wedding.’’

Things came to a head recently, when she invited me for coffee.  I arrived late at the cafe because I got caught up at work, an excuse that infuriated her and set her off on a rant.  Before I could even order a cappuccino (if I’d known the evening I was in for, I’d have insisted we meet somewhere with vodka on the menu), I was accused of hiding myself in my work, and selfishly denying my family ‘the honour’ of a wedding.

I am used to my aunt’s ranting and raving, but this time I was shocked.  To think that she sees my unmarried status as selfish beggared belief.  What really saddened me is that she didn’t seem bothered about the marriage- all she talked about was The Wedding.  I eventually left the café, irritated and disappointed.

I went home and two glasses of wine later, it dawned on me that my aunt’s attitude is not entirely her fault.  Ok, she may come across as a fire-breathing dragon sometimes, but she is of a completely different school of thought.  Her generation followed The Typical Ugandan Woman’s Timeline, which looks a little something like this:

0-18 years old - school

18-21 years old - university

21-25 years old - job hunting  

25-28 years old - first job, car etc. 

30 years old - marriage (complete with huge traditional ceremony and a reception with lots of food, drinks and gate crashers) 

32 years old - at least 2 children

40 years old - join Mothers’ Union, keep raising your kids

50 years old - same as above

60 years old - become a grandmother/start harassing your daughters/nieces/anyone who will listen that they need to get married

70 years old - same as above

80 years old - erm…

Hence ends the Ugandan woman’s perceived timeline.  Once she has finished school, got a job, nabbed a husband and pushed a few kids out she has paid her debt to society!!

What I wish my aunt and others of her ilk would understand is that times have changed.  Sure, there are still some girls out there who have dreamed of their wedding day since they were 7, they know the colour the bridesmaids will wear, the flavour of the cake and the hymns that will be sung. Those girls who start having panic attacks at 25 because no man has looked at them with those I-want-to-make-you-my-wife-and-live-happily-ever-after-with-you eyes.  (By the way, if a guy DOES look at you that way, be careful.  He may just be drunk.  Long story.  Another time, maybe).

All I’m saying is, not all women who are over 30, unmarried and childless are tearing their hair out every night, desperate to marry the next guy who looks like he wants to do his part to continue the human race.  Some of us would rather take our time, fill our lives with friends and work and personal achievement and yes, that one special person.  Rather than rushing into a party that will cost millions, and have me knocking on my parents’ door in a few years all because we were too obsessed with The Wedding, and not The Marriage.