Smell Like The Job You Want, Not The Job You Have.

I made a resolution half way through this year that I was going to make an effort to be nicer to people.  I have been accused of being a bit harsh in certain circumstances, but I make no apologies when it comes to people and their hygiene.  If the rest of us have taken the time and effort to ensure we do not assault your nostrils with body odour, what gives you the right to assail our nasal passages and singe the delicate hairs that dwell therein?

Of course I know that certain smells are perfectly natural.  We all sweat.  Some more than others.  But we also all have access to soap and water, not to mention deodorants to suit even the most humble of budgets.  Which is why I refuse to accept excuses like ‘oh, but so-and-so works as such-and-such.  It doesn’t matter that they smell.’

In fact, I would go one step further and say there are certain jobs where you are not, under ANY circumstances, allowed to emit any kind of offending smell whatsoever.  These include, but are not restricted to, the following.  Please pay attention.

Hairdressers- When I come to your salon, chances are I’m going to spend the majority of the time very close to your armpits (as you wash my hair, for example), or in close proximity to your nethers (as I sit on a lowered chair and you stand above me braiding my hair). It’s bad enough that you are treating my hair like it isn’t attached to my scalp.  Don’t add insult to injury by smelling like a crash of rhinos.

Barbers- again, close proximity to armpits.  Or your dragon breath, as I have it on good authority that barbers tend to enjoy shooting the breeze with their clients.  Please, brush your teeth and scrub your tongue.  Guys come to you to have their hair shaved, not burnt off.

Doctors- this one is self-explanatory.  You’re supposed to be the most hygienic people on the planet.  If you smell like the wrong end of a goat, you have no right to examine me.  Take your fetid, mephitic self awaaaaaaay from me.

Cleaners- to me, this is the ultimate betrayal.  How can someone who is meant to be cleaning the place, making it all sparkly and bright, move around with a mop and rip holes in the atmosphere with their offensive aroma?  No no nedda.  It’s not allowed.  Same applies to house help.

Food vendor- you smell like that and expect me to put the food you serve in my mouth?  You must be blazed as well as pungent

Taxi conductor- as for these ones.  You spend the majority of your day with your arms in the air, calling for customers and exposing your fetid armpits at the same time.  Why?  Is it some kind of cruel joke?  Or is it a clever ruse to keep your customers with their noses as close to the windows as possible, ensuring that they don’t miss their stop?


It’s simple really.  Strive to smell like the job you want, not the job you have.

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