Ugandans- Never To Be Instructed

Uganda is the only country I have ever been to where you will find instructions in the toilet.

I’m not talking about the ‘if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat’ variety.  Oh no.  Not for us the ‘we aim to please, so please aim straight’ slogans.

In Uganda, we get full-on, diagrams-included, What To Do and Not To Do When You’re In The Loo.

I’m not going to bother attempting the diagrams, as I’m sure many of you have seen them before.  Not only that, but I struggle to draw a convincing stick man, so I shall spare myself the embarrassment.

Some of the instructions I have seen that have stayed with me include:

1.       Do not squat on the toilet (includes diagram of man/woman adopting pose not unlike one adopted when using a latrine or a toilet with serious hygiene deficiencies)

2.       Do not wash clothes in the toilet (includes diagram.  I mean, REALLY?!)

3.       Do not fish in the toilet (includes diagram of man/woman, complete with fishing rod, and fish on the end of said rod).

The last one beggars belief, I know.  I mean, the Source of the Nile is about an hour and a half’s drive from Kampala! If you’re that desperate for fish, go to Gaba, for goodness’ sake.

I can’t decide what disturbs me the most- the fact that someone, somewhere must have committed the atrocities mentioned, or the fact that I always find such signs in corporate environs.  Offices where you think people would know how to use a flushing toilet. 

Having said all that, I think there are more pressing (see what I did there? Ha!) issues that need to be dealt with in this banana republic of ours. 

Why don’t we give out instructions on how to keep time? Or how to form an orderly queue (and stay in it!)? Or how to cross the road as a pedestrian?  Why can’t someone talk to my Ugandan sisters about walking with purpose, regardless of how wide their posteriors may be?

Or maybe, we could give out instructions to people ready to make speeches at functions.  I have a few ideas for THAT list:

1.       Do not blow/spit into the mic to check if it is on.  It’s disgusting and highly unpleasant for the next person to make a speech.

2.       Do not bore people to death with nonsense. 

3.       Do not adjust your nethers as soon as you get to the podium.  Kindly readjust yourself before you get up in front of everyone.

I could go on, but I follow instructions.  Particularly those from my beloved editor, who said ‘no more than 500 words.’

So I better stop here.

*as published in Sunday Vision Extra 17th August 2014


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