Golola Kicks His Way Into The World of Reality TV


So, news doing the rounds is that Golola Moses of Uganda (yes, you do have to say that in full every time) will be hitting our screens very soon as part of a reality show. Just when I’d gotten over the shock of Bad Black’s foray into the music industry, I’m hit with this. Cruel, cruel world!

Turns out that Uganda’s answer to Jean-Claude Van Damme is set to star in a reality show featuring Japanese Kumite free style karate.  16 fighters will slug it out on the same day, with the last man standing taking the crown.  Please note, whether or not this is sustainable in terms of the entertainment factor is neither here nor there.

Now, I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down (or up. Neither is Golola, come to think of it. But I digress), but I actually think that Golola would be better off starring in reality shows that have little or close to nothing to do with kick-boxing.  It’s not a secret that his last two bouts were marred by accusations of title-theft and embarrassment at the thrashing the Hungarian gave him.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to suggest some alternatives to Golola, just to avoid him getting egg on his face again.  Presenting: Siima’s Top 6 Names For Reality Shows Starring Golola Moses of Uganda.

6) Tempering A Hot Temper- this show would be about Anger Management.  Golola would be a Dr. Phil of sorts, counseling well-known Ugandan personalities and helping them get over their anger issues. Prime candidates would be Kizza Besigye, Bebe Cool, Amelia Kyambadde and Erias Lukwago. Imagine the group sessions!!

5) Dr Pain- it is common knowledge that Golola Moses of Uganda holds a PhD… in PAIN!!  That’s right.  He’s a certified, bona fide doctor.  Imagine a reality show where we see injured sportsmen rehabilitated by Dr Golola?  He could also host a separate clinic for people whose breast implants began to rot in jail. Or those whose ears were damaged when they listened to her first single. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that one).

4) Kicking Ass and Mouthing Off- He is affectionately referred to as Uganda’s motor-mouthed kick-boxer.  We all know Golola can yap. Sadly it seems to be the only thing he is actually good at right now.  So how about we have a show where other kick-boxers actually fight, and he commentates?  I think it could work.

3)Gwe, Where’s My Porridge?!- In the build-up to his flops, sorry, fights, we are often treated to pictures of Golola eating enough to feed a small village, and that’s just for breakfast.  I remember interviewing him once and asking what his typical breakfast was made up of.  He mentioned a bucket of porridge.  I smiled indulgently and moved on.  But anyway, I think a show focusing on nutrition would be right up his alley!  Each episode could have a food challenge- like, Golola swallows 5 boiled eggs in one go! Or, Golola bites a whole ffene in two! Or some such nonsense, you get the general idea.

2)Pregnant At A Glance- Golola once famously said that he can make women pregnant just by looking at them.  Now, judging by the number of women who have attended his fights/press conferences and so on, there must be quite a few little Gololas running around UG. (Before you ask, I did a pregnancy test after interviewing Golola. We’re safe.) During the show, Golola would get to know the women he’d impregnated, and perhaps even meet his children.  To add some drama, the producers could throw in the odd DNA test.  Bad Black could make a guest appearance- in fact, seeing as she’s having trouble identifying her baby’s daddy, I don’t see why she doesn’t lay the blame squarely at Golola’s feet. 

1)Disco-location!- After his last defeat at the hands (or feet) of a Hungarian kick-boxer, Golola claimed that he stopped the fight because he got a ‘discolocation’. I think he was trying to tell us that something got dislocated, but I can’t be too sure.  Listening back to that interview, I was struck by an idea.  What a PERFECT name for an entertainment show starring Golola Moses of Uganda! The show would feature Golola himself checking out various hot spots around town. Any establishment that wasn’t up to scratch would be demolished by one kick from the man himself.

I’m willing to sell my ideas to interested local TV stations.  I don’t think it’ll give Agataliiko a run for it’s money, but it beats watching a reality show about Bobi Wine and his wife, don’t you think?!

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