Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Ugh, disappointment.

I don’t deal with disappointment very well.

I know that might sound like an obvious thing to say, because, who does?  But I realized today that I really need to find a coping mechanism for that crushing feeling when things don’t quite go the way you hoped they would.

It is partly my fault, because I was looking at things perhaps I shouldn’t have been.  Nothing illegal, mind.  Just that normal curiosity, more so now because technology makes it so easy for us to look back at what people were doing this time last year or the other year, and tally that with what we were doing at the same time.

And that’s when I saw it.  I wish to God I hadn’t.  I wish to God I had Google Imaged Idris Elba instead.  But that split second before my world came crashing down around my ears, right before this stress headache hit (it’s moved all the way down my neck, by the way), that split second before the wave of nausea I still can’t shake came over me- I thought, what harm will it do?  I’ll just have a look.

And that’s when I saw it.  The post that made my happiness a lie and broke my heart and pissed me off and broke my heart and gave me a headache and broke my heart.

I didn’t stop there, by the way.  Sitting at my desk, shaking, trying to act normal so the intern stationed next to me didn’t notice that I was trying not to throw up all over my (brand new) laptop.  I kept looking.  And clicking.  And reading.  I think that’s when the muscles in my neck bunched up and this damn stress headache intensified.

I’m not yet sad.  I’m just pissed off.  Because I had promised myself I would never ever ever ever go through this again.  I’m super pissed that I’ve let myself down, that I didn’t listen to myself, that I didn’t just NOT GO THERE.  I’m disappointed in myself.


And I just don’t deal with disappointment very well.

3 comments:

  1. Curiosity killed the cat as we all know, yet cats continue to ignore this dangerous activity in spite of the historical evidence. They are not stupid animals. It is their curiosity that helps to make them successful as a species. They do not, however, suffer disappointment when their curiosity does not offer what they had hoped. It's why they remain resiliently curious and risk death at the next opportunity. We are slightly (not very), more adept at learning from our mistakes and perhaps can learn to think twice before letting ego, suspicion or the need for reassurance get the better of us. Some stones are best left unturned. Ignorance can be bliss. Sorry you are feeling bad. We've all been there.

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    1. Curiosity killed the cat,but I like to think satisfaction brought it back. Ignorance can hurt just as much in my opinion,especially if all else around you is in the know and you're the only clueless one. No,I prefer to know, I still choose curiosity every single time,at least then you face reality instead of living in blissful deceitful ignorance. Siima i think you should be proud of yourself for taking the leap,yes, it's hurt like hell, but you'll eventually emerge the winner. The disappointment is only going to make u stronger,it's the how to get over it that's tough.

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