Monday, 22 July 2013

Top 5 Reasons She Won't Sleep With You

Last week on the show we were discussing a problem we’d read about in the paper.  This 24 year old woman had been in a relationship with her guy for over a year.  He’s a great guy, and he even went along with her decision not to be intimate before they got married.

Problem is, he’s now started making mating noises, trying it on and leaving erection-shaped indentations in her back. What got to me is the guy told her point blank that he would rather leave her than stay in a sexless relationship, as he knows he would end up cheating on her.  So, dude issues an ultimatum, chick is left confused and stressed and writes to the newspaper agony aunt for advice.

Now, I can’t speak for this particular woman, and I’m sure she has her own valid reasons for not wanting to sleep with the guy.

But let’s look at this realistically.

You’ve been with the guy for over a year.  What is holding you back?  Religion? Are you frigid? Or is there some other reason that you just can’t bring yourself to tell your man, what with his fragile male ego?

Guys, I have to be honest with you.  If you find yourself in a situation similar to the one previously mentioned, there’s a problem.  And I’m here to break it down for you.

Presenting:  Siima’s Top 5 Reasons She Won’t Sleep With You.

5) Girl On Girl Action- There’s a famous song by a one Katy Perry called ‘I Kissed A Girl’.  The song basically describes a girl’s first kiss with another female. And how much she enjoyed said kiss.  Anyway, with people becoming more and more liberal/ experimental/ honest or whatever, chances are your chick tried it on with another babe, took one look at your crusty, dry lips and decided to pass.  She’s just trying to find  way to tell you.

4) You Smell- there’s no delicate way of putting this.  So I’m going to dive right in, as it were, and say that you may need to assess your personal hygiene.  Do people faint whenever you speak to them?  Do trees wither and die when you walk past? There could be a problem.  Trust me, if you smell like something died in your mouth, chances are your privates stink bad enough to wake the dead and send them howling back to their graves.  Acquaint yourself with soap and water, make love to some deodorant, adorn yourself in clean clothes and you never know, that trouser snake just MIGHT get to slither around the Garden of Eden.

3) Shower Shocker Pt 1- she saw you in the shower and thought- where is it?  As in, is THAT IT?!  I’m going to need tweezers to find that thing!! What is the point? Not so much Mandingo as Manding-a-ling. Or not, as the case may be.

2) Shower Shocker Pt 2- she saw you in the shower and thought- is he kidding me?  As in, he wants to put THAT… in HERE?! What, does he THINK I’m built like a WHALE?! (Meanwhile, human beings need to be grateful for small mercies. HA! See what I did there? No, but seriously.  Just found out that a blue whale’s penis can be anything between 8-10 feet long.  I know this is all in relation to the size of the animal, but still. Daaayum!) I digress.  If she won’t sleep with you because your schlong is too long, pat yourself on the back and move on.

1)Religious Reasons- I have heard sooooooo many women say they are saving it for that special man because they believe that is what Jesus wants them to do.  Now, I’m not saying this is the case for ALL of them, but I’m willing to bet that many a woman uses that line on her guy because, quite frankly, her pastor is giving it to her WAY better than her dude ever could.  


  1. ...Lol, why do I think you've nailed it. Quite a threat to Mandingo's haven, but we are holding forte like them Apache Indians.

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  3. Felix Kitaka, do you understand the concept of satire?