Tuesday, 4 December 2012

The Eritrean Disappearing Act

So everyone is making noise about the Eritrean football team members who have disappeared from the camp at Sky Hotel in Kyambogo.  Police have been able to keep their eyes on the team for the last two weeks- it turns out these chaps have major FOMO and usually vanish into thin air whenever they travel for sporting events. But somehow they managed to get past our oh-so-vigilant Police force. How on earth did they do it??!!

Their vanishing acts are legendary among CECAFA officials. After the 2009 CECAFA Challenge Cup, the whole team pulled off a Houdini stunt- only the coach and another official arrived back in Eritrea after the tournament.

I'm sorry but this is the funniest shit I've heard in a long time.  I mean, how do 16 grown-ass men just vanish? It's not like the Rapture happened or anything.  Unless only those guys are going to the great big football pitch in the sky and the rest of us are doomed to wallow in mud for the rest of eternity.

The team's management insists that the unaccounted for players are simply 'visiting relatives'.  But I think there's more to it than that.  There could be any number of reasons for their disappearance.  And I have taken it upon myself to solve the mystery.  Presenting: Siima's Top 5 Excuses For The Eritrean Football Team's Disappearance.

5) Before we start pointing fingers and accusing these guys of trying to stay in the country illegally and so on, let's look at this objectively.  Maybe they are actually trying to do Uganda a service.  It goes without saying that, in sporting circles, honour among fellow sportsmen is very important.  Has anyone thought that maybe these guys have decided to go and look for Golola Moses' career? I mean, really.  They could be trying to help a brother out.

4) And then there is the issue of them finishing at the bottom of Group C with only a draw in 3 matches.  The disappointment!! Wouldn't you just want to go somewhere and hang your head in shame, recuperate, evaluate, masturb- whatever, ANYTHING to get over the overwhelming feeling of defeat? I reckon these guys are chilling with Mama Fina.  No one knows where she is, so it's perfect. They can relax, drape themselves in barkcloth, play with some gourds and bones and just be happy.

3)I believe that these guys are out there doing good deeds.  Many Eritreans have made Uganda their home.  I for one am thankful for a particular bar and restaurant in my hood that serves cold drinks, great food and sheesha.  Maybe these guys have come to save us and are on the hunt for Lil Beezo's real accent.  Or something.  Just saying.

2)Has anyone thought of checking at the Ministry of Internal Affairs?  Maybe these guys are lining up for Ugandan citizenship.  They've heard about all the aid money pumped into the country (well, it WAS until those OPM bastards screwed up but that's another blog post) and they thought 'AHA!! Why hustle as a footballer when I can come to Uganda and steal aid money? Of course going through the whole citizenship application process and eventually getting myself into a position where I have access to such money (government. Ahem.) might be a bit of a pain in the backside but what the heck? A stuffed ballot here and a greased palm there and we're good to go! Hell, it beats ruining my brand new football boots in a potato field!'

1)Then again, I could be thinking too far.  I reckon we should just go back to Namboole, drag the mud and find those chaps.

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