Death To Stupid Status Updates

So a lot of people are talking about the whole Princess Komuntale- Christopher Thomas debacle.

All of a sudden, Ugandans have become marriage experts, PR spin-doctors, and all manner of professionals in the wake of what I think is actually a very sad matter.  Many have said that the Princess was wrong to issue a statement on Facebook, that she should have maintained a dignified silence and let someone else release a statement from the palace on her behalf.  (No one thought of commending her for her use of the English language.  And excuse me, but Princess or not, some dude calls me a whore on social media there’s no way I’m going to shut up.)

Anyway, leaving aside who said what and who said the other person had herpes and whether or not one person really IS a qualified accountant and whether or not people had their eye on a Gaddafi connection, this whole situation brought up a rather interesting issue.

We live in an age where we live our lives on line- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you name it.  We are constantly putting ourselves out there, whether to feed our own egos, or in a desperate attempt to connect with people and get as many ‘likes’ or comments on our posts.  Many celebrities, leave alone our dear Princess, have been criticized for living out their relationship dramas on line for the world to see and probably jerk off to, delighted that even those who seem to have everything are going through something as mundane as a relationship breakdown.

Some of the Facebook status updates I have come across have left me cringing and moving the cursor to the ‘unfriend’ button.  Tasked with coming up with a ‘Top 5’ for the show this morning, I decided to share my thoughts on certain announcements that have no business on social media whatsoever. 

Presenting:  Siima’s Top 5 Things NOT To Post On Your Facebook Page No Matter What The Circumstance Or Your Messed Up Logic.

5- Change in Relationship Status- I know that there are some people who change their relationship status more often than  Ugandan politicians change political parties.  But don’t announce to the world, and to your other half, that contrary to popular belief (and your loved up status 2 days ago) that you are now single.  ‘’Relationship Status: Single/In An Open Relationship/ It’s Complicated. #MyLife #LoveHurts’’.  Or some such nonsense.  Not on Facebook.  Call him/her and tell them it’s over.  Or at least Whatsapp them.

4-You’ve Been Faking It- now this is awkward.  Let’s just say the two of you got jiggy last night, and the earth didn’t exactly move.  As in, he was up there, thrusting away like his life depended on it and you were lying there wishing he’d hurry up and finish so that you could go and watch Scandal.  Don’t wake up the next day, pissed coz you didn’t get off, and post some nonsense like “My performance last night deserves an Oscar!  All those fake moans woke the neighbours. Never been so bored in my life! But at least I got my shopping list done #GetItGurl #Multitask #iGetsMine’’  .

3- You Had Sex With A Colleague At Work- due to the matters discussed in the paragraph above, you messed around and got it on with someone at work.  It might be wise to keep that information off Facebook.  But trust me, if you post some stupid stuff like ‘’Ever wondered if you could do the reverse cowgirl in the office loo?  YES. YOU. CAAAAAN!!!! YEEEEEEEEHAWWWW!!!!!’’ then your secret will be out. 

2- Yeah, so… That Burning Sensation When You Pee- What with the combination of sex in the office toilet, not to mention sex with the crusty guy/chick in accounts (WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!) the inevitable bladder infection has reared its ugly head. (HA! See what I did there? No? Nevermind.) Now, most decent people would go get themselves sorted and then tell their beloved the truth, or at least pray to every deity in the heavens that they haven’t passed it on.  But don’t go on Facebook and update your status with ‘’Can anyone recommend anything other than lots of water and cranberry juice?  I’m tired of feeling like I’m pissing razor blades. Ouch! #SillyMe #PeeProblems #ViciousVajayjay’’. Or something equally as stupid.

1-I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa… Or Not- Call me a hopeless romantic, but I truly believe that even the most die-hard, kill-me-if-I-ever-look-like-I’m-anywhere-close-to-walking-down-the-aisle confirmed bachelor harbours a desire, deep-down, to have a child.  Even if he has no responsibility in terms of feeding and clothing said child.  Any man would want to know that there is a part of him out there, somewhere, perpetuating his lineage! Or at least that his swimmers pack enough of a punch to make a woman pregnant.  But would he really want to find all this out on Facebook?! REALLY?! Ok, so you might be a few days late.  Maybe you’re stressed.  Maybe you ARE pregnant.  But don’t go posting stupid shite like ‘’Ooooooh, looks like Auntie Flo missed the bus! Maybe the stork will visit instead! #LOL #Preggers  #HappyFamilies  #TeamFertile’’

I’d ask you to keep bloody hashtags off Facebook as well, but that isn’t going to happen, so I’ll stop here.


#Meh

Comments

  1. Miriam Mimi Nagadya29 October 2013 at 15:16

    vicious vajayjay *dead* thanks for waking me up nyabs from my computer screen staring trance

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miriam Mimi Nagadya29 October 2013 at 15:18

    Bwahahahaha @team fertile you've killed moi!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. deus 230 October 2013 at 15:16

    At least yo 1 in a million to noticed pipo's nonsense ... thx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Unknown1 November 2013 at 12:36

    There are those that give a minute by minute account of how the number 2 in the loo is going on. Some go to the extent of instagraming themselves

    ReplyDelete

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