Things You Wouldn't Want To Get Back From Your Ex

This morning on the show, Rudende, Libolo and I were debating whether or not you should return gifts given to you by your boyfriend/ girlfriend during the course of the relationship once things hit the rocks.  We even went as far as discussing whether or not you should ASK for certain things back.  I mean, let’s face it- you buy him a car and he shags your best friend.  I’d be pretty pissed off.  I’d want the car back, not so much to drive it or sell it as to run them both over with it.  But I digress.

I couldn’t help wondering why no one was looking at the silver lining surrounding this break-up cloud.  Think about all those annoying things you put up with, simply because you were so consumed by love or lust for this person that you couldn’t see past the fug of pheromones you gave out each time they so much as glanced nonchalantly in your direction.

I truly believe that there is something positive in every break-up, no matter how painful.  Cry, listen to sad break up songs, get drunk, eat your weight in ice cream, whatever.  And then as you lament the gifts you gave him/her that you’ll never get back because they’ve buggered if with someone else or sold them, take a moment to count your blessings and the things you WOULDN’T want to get back from your ex.

Presenting- Siima’s Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want To Get Back From Your Ex.

5. Annoying Relatives- remember the wedding you went to together, when his drunken Uncle John kept looking for excuses to hug you, and when he did, shamelessly slid his hands down your back and grabbed your butt?  Or the time you met his aunt and she sneered at you and muttered under her breath that you were not good enough for her son?  How about those boring afternoons you endured, making small talk with his mother, trying not to choke on her foul breath or stare at the hair growing out of the mole on her chin? Yeah, you get the picture.  Every time you lament the end of your relationship with him, thank the heavens that when you broke up with him, you broke up with his nasty relatives too.

4. Dodgy Taste In Music- so he was a great guy.  Attentive, considerate, loving.  Which made it easy to overlook the fact that every time you were turning the heat up in the sack, he insisted on listening to  Eno Mic ya Ziggy Dee.  And I’m not talking about the song he would dance to as he flexed his muscles in the bathroom mirror, while you lay on the bed trembling with anticipation as to what he’s about to do to you.  No.  This is the song he’d listen to before, during, and AFTER the act.  There you are, trying to bask in the glow or enjoy a post-coital cigarette or whatever, he’s jumping around yelling ‘'Airtime njakumugulaaaa!!!’’ Ain’t nobody got time for that!! Just be glad he’s out the door, shit theme tune in tow.

3. Of Smelly Socks and other Embarrassing Odours- crusty socks.  Gone.  His long toe nails, grimy things of the past.  That annoying habit he had of sticking his car key in his ear and rummaging around as if he was trying to find your G-spot. All gone.  Why would you want to get all that back?!

2. The Wet Spot- Who’s is it?  Who should sleep in it? Why is it always on my side?! No more pointless arguments and tussles for the dry side of the bed.  Just you and your blissfully fresh sheets.  Until the next time, that is…


1. Random Infections. Remember THAT UTI?...- yeah, I thought you might.  Next time you’re pining for your former beloved and wishing that you could get SOMETHING from him to remember the good times, just remember when he came back late smelling of some cheap fragrance and how you felt like you were peeing razor blades for days afterwards.  Nuff said, really.

Comments

  1. Ruth Adong29 May 2013 at 14:10

    this is so far the best piece i have read all year. good riddance to bad boyfriends and lousy habits am so recommending this to everyone. you just made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kanyindo29 May 2013 at 14:14

    Woop!! Thanks Ruth! Glad you liked it :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Miriam Mimi Nagadya29 May 2013 at 15:42

    Hilarious. On point. Well done nyabs :-) esp. number 4 LOL

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous29 May 2013 at 15:53

    Tooo funny Ms Sabiti. However, i think bad toilet habits, should have been in there.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kanyindo29 May 2013 at 16:05

    Thanks for reading guys!! Glad you enjoyed it!! Mims #4 is a true story (not mine though, thank GOD!!).

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kanyindo29 May 2013 at 16:05

    Mr Kisawo, you make a valid point. May have to make a second list a squeeze in all the others I left off...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unknown9 August 2013 at 21:47

    .....hmmm...

    ReplyDelete

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